Im on vacation :D I don't have to go back into the army until January. I'm very excited. I haven't used my vacation days these past 2 years except for using my Special Vacation to go back to New York. Although this last time in NY did not feel like a vacation. So it's finally here. I finally get to rest. Friday and Saturday is just not enough.
I have been working so hard to try and prove myself and to try and sign keva or become an officer that I just didn't slow down at all. I've either been talking with my "family" about important issues since apparently I'm the middle ground OR I have been stressing myself constantly working. It feels as if though my only downtime has been the 3 hours a week I babysit. I babysit the cutest little girl. I love being with her and her family. They are such great and interesting people. It's also great to watch her and how she learns new things everyday. I also learn more hebrew from her and she learns to speak english from me.
I think we left off in the last blog with my next trip back to NY. Well I finish the army in April. I don't think I can sign on keva or become an officer. It sucks. It really does. I've worked so hard to try and prove myself and have been fighting for it since I enlisted. I guess I will try one or two more times and then I will officially throw in the towel. My end date is coming up quick. Im running out of time and fast. I know that I can say that I fought all the way to the end for it. I have met a lot of people. A lot of great people and a lot of shitty people. I have many great memories and I have helped some people along the way. Im really glad that this blog has reached so many people.
I don't think I will be using my last trip to America. I finish in April then I can't leave until a month after. So I wouldn't be able to leave until very end of May. Now it's time for me to start thinking about what to do afterwards. It's very hard to think about it. I'm not sure what to do or what I want to do. It's very confusing. I can go back to NY and try and start there. Which believe me I should have a blog for that. It would be readjusting to civilian plus readjusting back to New York. I would be able to work. If I stay here I can work and then try and go to school. See how long I can last. I know a lot of people miss me back in NY but when I was there it was like I didn't come at a good time for them. So they would want me to sit around and wait for them. That to me is insulting. If you missed me so much like you say you did then make time for me like I would for you. If someone I loved came here- army or not- I would make time for them. I would take off work and do whatever I could to make their stay here enjoyable and memorable. I learned I care a lot more about people then they do me. I constantly make the most common mistake ever. I expect things from people because it's something I expect from myself. Just because I hold myself highly doesn't mean I should hold everyone at the same standard. Everyone is different. I've also learned that just because you have the same blood doesn't make you family. I've also learned that just because you don't have the same blood doesn't make you any less of a family. Family is love and being there no matter what. I know who my family is now. I know what kind of people I want in my life. (I'm also trying to write this in the most sensitive way possible so people wont be insulted.)
Although I do need to start taking care of myself and putting myself at number 1. I keep putting people I love at number 1. I also need to be more open and I need to stop pushing new people away. I feel like a part of that is, I don't want to get hurt anymore. I don't want to make relationships just to have them thrown in my face. I guess because Im not sure of my future at the moment I have been being closed off a lot recently. It's hard. I'm learning.
I'm going to take this vacation as a learning experience. It's going to be time for me. Time for me to think and I guess kind of rediscover myself. I want to travel the country a little bit. See how that goes.
ALTHOUGH! Although if I do end up going to Course Nativ I would be traveling around the country as well anyway. It would be a great way to end my service. 3 months of just traveling around the country for free. I think that's pretty nifty. I don't know. We'll see.
There are still some friends I'd like to see. Maybe if I finally start hanging out with the people I really consider friends I can stop putting myself into such lonely positions. And maybe I will finally have the courage to say good bye to the convenient friendships that have been popping up just for the sake of saying I have a friend.
I am happy that I do have a new friend. She is the new soldier in my section. Im super glad because she is the first person in the army that has the same style and listens to the same music I do. Her name is Anna. She is such a sweetheart and a lot of fun. For the first time I actually felt like I could be normal in Israel and not just some Olah Hadesha from America. It's disgusting because there are so many people that want to use that and take advantage of it.
Well I have to go. Until next time. :)
