Wow So ALOT Has Happened...

Alot has happened since I last posted.
I got a job.
It became 2012!!! Happy New Year!!! I still have the same New Year Resolutions as last year.
I went to a discharge course.
I started Course Nativ.
One roommate finished the army so we got a new one.
And I have been thinking nonstop about what to do with my future.
I also worked myself sick through Passover.

Lets see, where shall I start...
I got a job at the newest store in one of the Tel Aviv Malls. That's right. Forever 21 made its way to Israel! I have to say a full time job plus the army is VERY difficult.
I got the job during my what was supposed to be a vacation. Clearly I have a problem with sitting and relaxing. I really need to learn how to relax.
I spent my new year working. Everyday before that and every day after that.
I really hated on of the people in my building since I left because there was nothing I could do. I felt it was better to save myself from a GIANT and possibly violent break down. Seriously, who gives one girl an entire unit's Avtash? Now let me be the first to say I LOVE avtash but I am not about to do 2 months of day in day out guard duty for a bunch of baby's who don't want to miss one night of drinking, partying, and playing video games. No. Not me. I refused to be their fall girl anymore. I even told my commander that if she agreed with letting me go I wouldn't be showing up. I stayed quiet for too long and it back fired. I did what I was told and instead of getting respect in being a good soldier I got walked on so lazy pieces of shit could do what they want. SOOOOO done with them. So happy about it too.
Anyone who wants to join the army and is reading this- take my advice: CLOSED BASE!
Being on a closed base is honestly the best experience you can have. Being on an open base is like being stuck in an extra few years of school where you have no room for growing mentally and it just holds you back. You get stir crazy and it sucks.

End of February...
Well first off in the beginning of February I started Course Nativ. Yes it is fun...kind of.
Secondly, during the end of February we had a roommate situation.
One of our roommates finished the army and we had about 2 weeks to find a replacement.
It was very stressful. But in the end it worked out. We got a replacement. With that being said- it got me thinking. What do I want to do after the army? Do I want to leave right away? Do I want to stay? Do I want to travel? Should I just pay off the end of my contract? Should I find a replacement? It is all so very confusing.
Going back to America? I can't go back to how it was? Living with my mom? I just spent the past 3 years living by myself paying my own bills and making my own food. Isn't that like a step backward? How can I restart in America if I just went back steps?

Anyhow this very confusing and stressful problem piled onto work and the army took its toll and clobbered me. A little before Passover I started to get sick. I went to the doctor. She being the stupid piece of shit she is told me to see her after vacation even though I needed her immediately since the swolen glands in my neck hurt then and not 2 weeks from then.
I stupidly went to the Passover Sedar for Lone Soldiers. The Ramat Cal Benny Gantz AND thats right AND The Prime Minister Benyamin Netenyahu were there! I was lucky enough to see them. But aside from that I was just so dead. I felt horrible. I couldn't even finish the sedar. I couldn't eat at all. It just hurt so bad. I was cold and hot and just wanted to curl up in my blankets and sleep. My head was pounding. I spent the weekend in my bed. I missed everything. It was a horrible idea for me to go. After the sedar I went to the bikor rofe. Have I ever explained how much I hate them?
I got there at 10pm and didn't leave till 1am for them to tell me to drink water and take an advil............. ..... like.... where the hell did you get your medical degree from? bitch are you stupid? you are a doctor. you see I cant open my mouth that much or move my head dont fuckin give me advil! give me antibiotics! My GLANDS ARE SWOLAN YOU BLIND BAT! Advil is not gonna help. If it didn't help for the past week it sure aint gon help now! Jus sayin. The IDF needs new doctors.
So for my ENTIRE Passover break which ends tomorrow morning when I return to base I have been barely able to eat except for a few jello's and little sips of water. Thank you doctors for your wonderful doctor help and brains. I missed a week of work. You know vacations are fun if you can relax not actually be sick. That's not fun. So I get to go to base tomorrow and hopefully I get to see a doctor.

That's the end of my little rant. lol Everything from December 21,2011 to today April 14,2012 in a nutshell.
OH AND on Feb 15,2011 I was officially promoted to Sergeant (Samal) but of course thanks to Course Nativ I STILL cant put it on my uniform...I so went behind their backs and put it on

Love and Hate

Love and hate. the world to break.
both is needed to fufill the fate.
Do not run. Do not haste.
Let it come. Let it take.
Fill the void and take a taste.

Block out one. Destroy the world.
There is no life without hate.
There is no death without love.
Accept them both and
realize the wait.
You are not alone.

On Mibba this poem got me my first comment ever on any of my work. It made me feel so great because someone said it was their favorite poem. That was a really great feeling.

I Walked, I Saw, I Left

I saw the world as a cold dark place.
So much hatred could be seen,
Everywhere I look. I could feel what people thought.
I could hear what they thought about their surroundings.
Body language could be read.
Body Language could be felt. It was such a sad thing to see.
Although, there was love.
Love could be seen, heard, and felt.
Such a strong power. To still be felt and seen when surrounded.
It could not be heard. People were too embarrassed. To be seen as a pussy.
Taught to not show love, the world has become a cold dark place.

I walked on this earth as though I could change it.
As though I could make a difference.
As though I could show people to love.
I hoped this world was not such a cruel place.
I hoped I could change it.
All of us consumed by greed and hate, I wanted to break free.
A hippie, no I did not want to be.
I just wanted to be happy.
I hope I can be.
Someday. One day. Happiness will happen.
The world will be a much happier place.
But then again, I think.
How can you appreciate love without experiencing hate?

I left this world with hope.
I left it with hope that somehow I made a change.
I somehow hope that I touched at least one person.
I left the fake world wondering if any of it became real.
Was I real?
Did I become real?
Or was I always real?
Did I just see the fakeness?
I walked in this world trying to show love and block out the hate.
Its so hard to block out hate when it surrounds you and tries to consume you.
I dont want to be consumed by hate.